Thursday, April 26, 2012

Tek Bad Things Mek Joke

(Finding fun in a bad situation)

Bomb Threat and Evacuation

Donkey years ago I was working for a Government agency whose office was located on the 12th Floor. One morning around 10 am the fire alarm went off and an announcement was made that a bomb threat was made and everyone should evacuate the building immediately.

So we quickly grabbed our stuff and made a mad dash for the stairwell, hurrying to get the hell out of dodge, the stairwell was pack but moving at a steady pace as we mentally count down the floors. At around the 8th floor everyone was stopped dead in their tracks, taking one step every couple minutes, we became very worried and started to investigate what might be causing this delay.

We looked down to the next floor only to see a big fat woman, big enough to completely block the stairwell so no one could pass. She was moving as slow as hell and it was clear she was having great difficulty going down step by step, it was a bit dark and being so fat she could not see the next step, only the next couple steps from her massive frame, not to mention she was out of breath and breathing heavily.

A man above us shouted down to her to hurry up as “Government naw pay him enough fi dead inna di building”, he went on and on at her, asking her to small up herself so that the people directly behind her can squeeze through. Finally she decided that she have had enough, she shouted back to the man in the most yardish of accent, broad and flat, “well we hall a fi go ded in yah today, cause mi caan go no fasta and mi naw jump fi save yu, so if yu wah go-dong ..jump!”. The entire stairwell was filled with laughter as people from the upper and lower floors could not contain themselves, the stress of being blown to bits melted away, as some people told her to take her time and others shout for her to walk up, while one woman started singing "what a fren we have in Jesus". In any case by the time we got out of the building it was almost lunch time “by Jamaica’s standards” and we took the couple hours having lunch and a couple beers before returning to the office.

The Curse of the Crazy Elevator

On another day, one of the elevator in the building was acting a bit funny, it had trapped the big boss for over an hour taking him up and down and up again without opening the doors to let him out. When he finally got out he looked worse for ware, tie off, jacket off, shirt open and he was muttering to himself using a few choice words, he barked to the girl at the front desk to have that blasted thing looked at.

A couple minutes later two security guards came up to the floor to look at the elevator, I do not know why, as this was not part of their job description. One walked into the elevator and the other one said “yow … boss man, come outa dat, cause you nuh know weh yu a do” , he ignored all warnings and proceeded to start pressing buttons. The elevator door closed, took him one floor down and he came back up again…. Thinking it must be working again he decided to press his luck and take the lift for another spin. The door closed, it took him one floor down and back again but this time the door did not open, then his voice trailed off upwards, then we heard a big whoosh, rumbly noise downwards and a scream… “lawd, gad have mercy …. Help!!!” , the other guard shouted out “yu alright!!” … nothing… then a whoosh, rumbly noise upwards and more screams of ““lawd, gad almighty mi dead now”and finally another whoosh down, stopping half way, slowing a bit before plunging down to the basement.

Everyone raced to the stairwell and down to the lobby, in the end he was extracted from the broken elevator in the basement with a broken leg and after making sure he was ok, his other guard friends started laughing at him, “yu is one lucky rass, an a alf eeeediot …you can fix elevator?.. Bout you a press button, a weh yu in deh a do!”... More jokes started flying left, right and center at the poor man’s expense, it was the talk of the day, no one took any of the elevators for the next two days, even when we were told it was safe to do so, no one trusted the Otis technicians.

The Elevator Curse Continues:
One morning I was going down in the elevator from the 12th floor, the elevator then stopped on the 9th floor to picked up a few more passengers, just as the door began to close a lady shouted “hold it”, so I quickly stuck my hand out but the door continued to close and I quickly tried to pull it back in again however I was too slow, one of my fingers got caught between doors and I could not pull it out, a couple of my fellow passengers in the elevator tried to pull the door apart but they could not get a grip, one woman tried pulling my hand but the pain was too intense. So there I am, fingers stuck and going down. Finally the elevator stopped, the doors opened and released my finger which almost immediately doubled in size. That was the last time I ever put my hand between elevator doors, cries of hold it goes unanswered, if I am not next to the door open button …. You are on your own.

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