Jamaica High School Chronicles: Master Nuts vs. Pen Foot

By the time I was in third form Chinese Kung Fu movies became the craze of the land and every movie theatre used to show them, some movie theatres are however known only for their Kung Fu movies aka Kickkas like the State Cinema. My best friend’s mother used to work at the Regal Cinema in Cross Road and he would supply us with regular free tickets which made him the most popular, powerful boy in the class if not the school… However there was one boy in my class we used to call Nuts because he loved peanuts. I can count the amount of time on one hand I have seen Nuts not eating peanuts and even while in class during the lesson he would slowly sneak his one hand into his school bag, remove the nuts from the shell and eat them. The other thing Nuts loved more than peanuts was Kung Fu movies, he was hooked on them. So much so that he began to dress like a Shaolin monk after school. He was also very good at mimicking every Shaolin move and could recreate any movie scene with voice overs. So Nuts was a constant source of entertainment for us boys and was appropriately renamed Master Nuts our local Shaolin Kung Fu Master Monk and he would greet you with Buddha Bless and a bow.

At some point Master Nuts began to believe that he was actually a real Kung Fu Master and people began to believe that he was in fact a real Kung Fu Master, expert in the Martial Arts, so everyone stayed clear of him. No one ever picked a fight with Master Nuts until that one day in the school Tuck shop when Master Nuts got into an argument with Pen Foot, so called because he stole a pen in second form and hid it in his shoes. As a result of this argument both boys almost came to blows but calmer heads prevailed and a fight was scheduled for after school. The news of the upcoming fight spread like wild fire, everyone was excited to watch Master Nuts unleash his Kung Fu styles on Pen Foot, this was to be the fight of the century.

After school everyone gathered at the predetermined fight location, some boys even climbed up trees to get a Grandstand view of the main event. By this time Master Nuts had changed out of his school uniform and into is makeshift Shaolin outfit and he was practicing his many Shaolin Kung Fu moves while warming up, it was a grand performance, even Pen Foot was amazed.

Pen Foot then entered the ring and stood there waiting for Master Nuts to come and start the fight, Master Nuts worked his way toward Pen Foot with a series of moves, jumps, kicks and swift movement of hands, it was like watching a Ballet performance. When Master Nuts got within striking distance of Pen Foot he performed a number of shadow boxing moves with Bruce Lee like sound and delivered a round house kick which missed Pen Foot completely and resulted in Master Nuts facing away from Pen Foot who took advantage of this opportunity and leaned in with a round house punch to the face of Master Nuts. Nuts was knocked over to the ground and dazed from the blow, some of us boys thought about giving him the standard standing 10 count and ask him his name before letting the fight continue but we quickly realized it was no use, Nuts done… The Master wobbled to his feet walked over and picked up his school bag then staggered off, leaving the fight ring and school, to laughter of the crowd, one boy laughed so hard he almost fell out of the tree he was sitting in…

Master Nuts did not return to school for a week, everyone wondered where he was and it was his mother who brought him back after the school contacted her to informed her that he was missing from school.

We never called Master Nuts, Master nuts ever again, from that point he went back to being just Nuts and not because he liked peanuts either. He spent the rest of third form trying to explain to anyone who would listen why he lost that fight but nobody really cared enough to listen. He was the source of many jokes for a while and after a certain period of time even he began to laugh at them because he realized we were not being mean, we were just 15 year old boys who like to make fun of each other for a laugh.